Before they go to sleep

It may be feeling there is not enough time to play combined with a lingering sadness from falling out with a friend. Perhaps the formation of the letter T is deemed annoyingly tricky or drawings failing to meet expectations. Perhaps it is frustration over too many and too sharp words from a parent about the importance of something as boring as  brushing hair or teeth or simply having to adjust to a new teacher. Or just a pure need for more air warmed by the sun, bare feet, a break.

Over the past weeks, we noticed that something was slightly different with both of our children. There seemed to be a growing presence of unexpected warm tears and at the end of the day, when taking stock of their stories, there was definitely more mentioning of “bad” things than good.

Amplifying the amount of proper attentive listening we offer as parents and providing an assortment of possible options as well as explicit advice on how to navigate their world, I am hopeful, will make a difference to how they perceive their days. However I believe that perhaps the most impactful thing we can do is this; every night before they drift off to sleep we not only encourage but “force” them to come up with at least 5 good things that has happened that day. 5 little or 5 big things. It doesn’t really matter as long as the experience is labelled “good”.

It unmistakeably sends them off to sleep in a better state. But not only that. Right now their brains seem to be scanning too much for the “bad”. This little “5 good things a day” exercise will over time become a habit – a habit where noticing and collecting more and more of the “good” runs automatically. And if ever there was a habit I would love my kids to have and one I would willingly give my right arm for, it is that one. Scanning for the good. Now an essential part of saying “Good night” in this house.

Madaleine {part 4}

Today Madaleine kindly shares the next chapter of her coaching journal. {Find part 1, part 2, part 3 here} Reading her words this morning really touched me (even though I was there on the day). I think it has to do with her describing so beautifully, one of the things I value the most about coaching - its ability to help create clarity.

As human beings we have this capacity to get very muddled up in our thoughts. To get to a point where thoughts feel tangled and heavy and persistent and overshadowing. To get to a point where we feel stuck or trapped in an endless repetitive loop with nowhere in and nowhere out. This is where coaching can make a huge difference – offering ways to gain some clarity and different perspectives. Read on and find out what it felt like for Madeleine.

What a revelation. Talking to Bonnie today about something which has been worrying, bothering and upsetting me for a while has provided a real insight and different perspective on it. I am learning so much from this process. So much in my life is changing in a positive way. I am starting to feel better about myself, more confident and more connected to the people around me. I am learning to ask for help and to enjoy the benefits of receiving it.

The amazing thing about talking to Bonnie is that she listens. She really listens to what you think and feel and in a very gentle but firm way she asks, “Well, what do you think you could do about that? How could you start approaching this problem? How would you feel if you did it that way? What might happen in your life?” This sounds simple and perhaps that’s the best thing about it. Life doesn’t need to be as complicated as we (well certainly I) often make it.

Bonnie’s skill is asking the right questions at the right time and in the right way. The way you respond to them is up to you. It is all about how you will take responsibility for living your life in the way you choose to.

The revelation for me over today’s very personal topic of conversation was this, “I can work out how I feel about something, but I don’t actually need to do anything else. Just working out how I feel is enough, for now.” How simple, yet how completely liberating. Part of my worry and stress had been around how I could ‘solve’ and ‘fix’ this problem. But, realising that I am in control of how I respond to my thoughts about it, that just acknowledging and understanding my feelings is the important first step to being in control. This was enough to make me feel that a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

At the end of the session today I felt so much more relaxed than I did when I arrived. In the way your body feels relaxed after a massage my mind felt relaxed and soothed and relieved. I shall think of today’s session as a refreshing and nourishing ‘mental massage’.

{I know Madaleine stops by here from time to time. Please share your thoughts here if what she shares resonates with you in some way. I personally am full of admiration for her courage and generosity in sharing her very personal journey with all of us and it is important to me that she hears it.}

Fellow scoffers, are you with me?

Let’s talk about eating. As in the actual process of eating. Let’s talk about entire meals consumed in some mechanical fashion or practically inhaled in the same amount of time it takes to say “what’s next?”. During many of our meals alarmingly little attention and appreciation is given to the taste or to where the food came from in the first place.

For the past 5 years I have been trying to grow a few tomatoes, peppers and strawberries in our garden, and I’m telling you, I find it annoyingly difficult and I have given up. Because I failed. Failed, despite 5 years of hopeful cheering and trickling water and strategically placed supportive strings and continuous pigeon chasing and endless slug slaying.

All this effort from me and the keen striving plants themselves, all this effort for a few petite plants to survive and thrive has made me think that it is kind of disrespectful to simply take fresh food for granted and to gobble it down without appreciating it properly.

Irrespective of our busy lives, we really ought to take time and notice what we place in our mouths. Not just because of our waistlines or with an eye on nutritional values (we all have a pretty good idea by now, what is good and bad for us, right?) but to make sure we eat with all of our senses engaged, taking notice of colour, texture, smell and flavour. That each time we lift our fork or a piece of apple to our mouth we pause slightly and pay attention. And taste, really taste, and appreciate all that effort. Right? Are you with me on this one?

To be repeated

I am one of those people pretty incapable of relaxing if there are things that need doing. Useful at times, but mostly a bit of a curse. Instead of making attempts to ignore that’s how I roll (as my you tube loving son would say) this Friday just gone we decided to attack a number of our traditional weekend chores with a vengeance. Washing, cleaning, folding, shopping and a quick run through some boring admin to ensure everything is {pretty much} under control. All with the aim of spending much of the bank holiday weekend from this position.

Intense burst of doing, doing, doing to free up time for being. HIGHLY recommendable. And definitely worth repeating.

How do you roll when it comes to doing and being? Is it working for you? If not, what could you do differently?

Madaleine {part 3}

Ready to read the next part of Madaleine’s coaching journey? Here it is, as always in her own words. Find part 1 here and part 2 here.

It is Wednesday evening and I am completely and utterly exhausted. The last two days have been completely chaotic and totally draining. What I can only describe as forty eight hours of ‘full speed’ parenting. One of my daughters started ‘big school’ with all of the anxieties and emotions connected with that, whilst the other one started ‘big tantrums’ with all of the tears and stamping of feet connected with that! These particular life stages of my children mean that my days (and nights) have been full of the following activities; consoling a crying wet child in the middle of the night; stripping a soiled bed at 3.00am; decamping to another bed when the other wriggling child came in at 4.00am; being woken up at 6.00am with demands for breakfast and a request to do painting!; dealing with the growing and seemingly never ending mountain of washing; getting a stroppy and uncooperative two year old dressed and then dressed again (because she did NOT want to wear a dress!); getting an anxious and uncooperative four year old ready for school; cooking dinner in between dealing with a child who had done a poo in her knickers. 

Deep breath. Large sigh. Another deep breath. And relax. And reflect. And rewind. And take myself back to my coaching session with Bonnie on Monday morning. A blissful hour, in such nurturing surroundings, a log fire burning, two candles flickering on the table, a large cup of herbal tea, inspirational words in a frame on the wall, clean lines, calm colours, the kind of soap in the loo which you know is made of natural ingredients. Every detail of this home seems to have been carefully thought through by someone who knows who they are, someone with clear goals, values and aspirations. Bonnie is calm and welcoming and she puts me at ease immediately. I feel safe to share my thoughts with her and confident in her ability to help, guide and gently question me through this coaching process. 

Prior to our first session Bonnie asked me to complete some paperwork. It involved thinking about my values, my life balance, my personality and attributes and noting some initial thoughts about ‘outcomes’ and what I would like to achieve through this coaching experience. The act of spending timing just thinking about myself and what changes I would like to make felt like a really empowering first step. However, I definitely felt that there were areas that I was a bit ‘stuck’ on and looked forward to having some help and guidance from Bonnie. 

During the first session I rambled on and went off at tangents and tried to work out what my goals and outcomes might be. Bonnie listened and guided me with careful and sometimes challenging questions. It was an excellent and inspiring meeting and I left with a spring in my step feeling good about my life and the possibilities for the future. However, the daily events of family life that have come in between the session and now have left that feeling far behind! The challenge for me is to somehow filter that reflection, focus and positivity into my daily life. 

My goals are, ’to feel like and be a more positive and optimistic person’ and ‘to have more clarity about the direction I want my professional life to take’. I will let you know how I get on with these.

My ‘homework’ this week is to think about, “What resources do I have in me that will help me achieve my goals?” Here is my (very positive and optimistic)answer! 

-  Love for my children and my husband and love for my family.

- The desire to have a better life and the desire to have fun.

-  The knowledge that I have the ability to feel and be positive.

-  The desire and ability to make changes happen.

Sunshine 1 – Work 2

Like so many others I find the presence of the sun so incredibly nourishing and I love everything that follows in its wake. Never will I tire of freckles, picnics, sleeps in a garden erected tent, crisp white wine, late evenings around a fire pit and bare feet in cool grass. It was with a bit of wonder therefore that I found myself opting to return to my desk after a short lunch break in our garden the other day, as the sun was out for what seemed like the first time in years. Yes, years. (Objectively I know that is not true, but that is how it feels).

I went inside to work! I went inside willingly. I went inside – not because I didn’t have a choice or because a big deadline was looming, but purely out of excitement about the kind of work I get to do at the moment. Planning workshops mixed with plenty of coaching sessions and steps to improve my NLP skills outscored the sun.

I tell you, better evidence for exactly how much I am nourished by what I do cannot be found. The sun outscored! Who would have thought?

How much do you get nourished by the way you spend your time or the kind of work you do?

{ps. the coach in me can of course not help saying that if you are not satisfied with your own answer, take some time out to consider what steps you can take to change it}

Evaporation of good intentions.

Perhaps it was the long awaited bursts of sunshine or the onset of a rather persistent tummy ache for my youngest cub or perhaps the re-introduction of going back to school routines that made all my good intentions about creating new habits evaporate into thin air. It didn’t take long, really. And although I know this from past experiences and past good intentions, it always seems, at the time of planning, so very implausible that it will happen again. But it does! Evaporation.

Through my work I know this to be true for most of us. And I also have a pretty good idea why. Changing unwanted habits or creating new ones require more than just good intentions. On a recent NLP course Neuroscientist {Patricia Riddle} offered a very useful metaphor. To demonstrate what happens in our brains, she said something along the line of this: “when you want to change a habit, it equates making the choice to follow a narrow path through dense forest instead of cruising in your car down a six lane wide motorway”.

What the metaphor suggests is that first choosing, and subsequently converting, your narrow path in to a wide motorway takes perseverance and a lot of repetition. The question is, what you can do to make it easier for yourself. This is the bit that I forgot to put in place {cough cough…. again}!

My next move therefore is to consider what strategies or structures will support my motorway construction. One of them, I already know. A simple, highly visible, post-it note to remind me to follow the narrow path even when the long awaited sun distracts me from my agenda or most unwelcome stomach aches persist and scrambles carefully made plans.